This I wrote for the 2002 Lifetime Fitness Triathlon brochure.  They asked us to “talk trash”- a new experience to me, so I let loose and talked trash!

In my 15 years in triathlon I’ve learnt a few lessons:

One is: THE MORE GEAR YOU HAVE, THE FASTER YOU GO. Ok, I have TONS of gear. The newest, fastest, lightest, flashiest gear on the market. Hell, some of the stuff I ride can’t be found on the market. It is so high tech and secretive, I had to kill the engineers just to keep the secret.

The other is: PREPARATION, PREPARATION, PREPARATION. Together with my panel of scientists, SASA (South African Space Agency), my team of coaches, trainers, doctors, shrinks and gurus, I have devised a special training regimen: Get up at 4 am, gargle with hydrochloric acid and chew on a few Maui lava rocks before I get dressed (in my wetsuit), pack my backpack, (filled with 500 lbs of South African Gold Bars) and set off on a light jog up Table Mountain. (3200 ft. elevation). If I feel good, I might do that about 8-10 times (except on Fridays, which is my easy day, I’ll limit myself to no more than 3 ascensions.)

From there I’ll go straight to the beach (50 degree F water and HUGE great white sharks), ditch the wetsuit (maybe add a few Gold Bars) and swim out to Robben Island (7 miles). I might do a few laps around the island, see if the prisoners are behaving, play with the seals and then back to Cape Town for a light snack.

I won’t go into the details of my special diet (if I tell you, I’ll have to kill you) other than while I’m eating, I try to keep my heart rate in Zone 3a, which is between 133 3/4 and 144 7/8.

My engineers at Specialized built me this special training bike. It’s basically a Bull Dozer minus the engine. That way I can train off-road for Xterra triathlons as well. (Specialized even outfitted it with the Brain Suspension System). For cycling training I sometimes ride up to Zimbabwe, to visit my mate, Rory. There aren’t many roads up there in Zim, so I usually make a few on the way back. On shorter rides around South Africa, I sometimes plow fields for the local farmers. Normally on interval days.

Ok, I won’t bore you with the details of my recovery week any longer, as the Sea Rescue just phoned to say there is a 60 ft. Great White that needs to be chased back to the deep sea.

See you at the races…

The Caveman